In the beginning I was so young and such a stranger to myself. A tender off shoot, a bud, the palest grip of neon. I had to go out into the world and see it and hear it and react to it, before I knew at all who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be. A Missourian with regrettable tattoos and not enough sunscreen.

You are going to grow up and in order for that to happen I am going to have to grow old and then I will die, and the blame will be yours, said the mother. I think this was true.

With growth into adulthood, responsibilities claimed me, so many heavy coats. Where are you, Mother, beloved friend? She was gone; and I, who was heavy that day with thoughts as small as my whole life would ever be.

My heart says, what you thought you have, you do not have. My body says, will this pounding ever stop?

Have I lived enough? Have I loved enough? This book is one attempt to fill in that blank.

There’s this beautiful, slick veneer on those who keep writing, who shrug off all of the reasons why they shouldn’t or couldn’t write and just keep doing it anyway. I’m doing this for myself, but that is a lie, knowing exactly where I am broken.

I want to write while crossing the fields that are fresh with daisies and everlasting and the ordinary grass. Put my face into the packets of violets, the dampness, the freshness, the sense of ever-ness.

I want to write with quiet hands. Mother, tell me if it’s worth it.

Cento from Refuse to Be Done: How to Write and Rewrite a Novel in Three Drafts by Matt Bell, A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver, New and Selected Poems: Volume 2 by Mary Oliver, Upstream: Selected Essays by Mary Oliver, “For Miranda, Who Waxes” by Michaella Thornton, “Green” by Michaella Thornton, “My Desire is George Costanza Eating A Sandwich in Bed” by Michaella Thornton, “Stopping to Get Ice Cream on the Trail of Tears” by Michaella Thornton, & “The Pie Was a Final Draft: Homecoming” by Michaella Thornton

Aura Martin is a Missouri writer and author of the full-length poetry collection, Butterflies Over Flame (ELJ Editions), the chapbook, Those Embroidered Suns (Lazy Adventurer Publishing) and the micro-chapbook, Thumbprint Lizards (Maverick Duck Press). Aura’s work has appeared in The Lumiere Review, Kissing Dynamite Poetry, perhappened mag, and elsewhere. In her free time, Aura likes to go on road trips, arrange flowers, and powerlift.